MAN MANAGEMENT

My nieces are in their 20s and fond of asking me advice on dealing with men. I love men ... I am thankful for men ... and I celebrate men. Even so, there are some things to keep in mind as you deal with them. Here is what I have shared with my nieces ... it may help you!

Make sure he loves you a little more than you love him. (this is hard especially early in a relationship but very important nonetheless)
After the first 6 to 8 weeks of courtship, expect a man's listening skills to turn off completely.
Never fight with a man; it is a losing battle. Just say "ouch" and leave it at that.
Never cook for a man early in a relationship. He will think you are trying to get him to the altar. Only cook if he asks you to.
Never be the first to say I love you. Let him say it first.
Hold off on sex until you feel you are in a committed loving relationship.
Men are romantic only sporadically. Don't expect romantic behavior all the time.
Men can be critical. Just say "ouch" or ignore it, and just realize they are doing it out of some insecurity they have. It is not about you.
Men can be expressionless, or whatever. If you love him, you have to accept this. Love is about acceptance, not change.
Men make horrible patients. They are unlovable when sick. Just know this and deal with it.
Men are basically 6 year olds. When they frustrate or anger you, just picture them as 6 year olds throwing a tantrum.
When he does something that is inappropriate, you must calmly call it to his attention and tell him that it is unacceptable. For example: "I know that it is not your intention to hurt me when you act like that, but your behavior makes me feel devalues. It is not okay to act like that." Keep your admonition short and sweet. Don't go on and on.
Men love to talk about their past, whereas women are more present and future focused. When they talk about ex-loves, all you need to know is: why did it break up? Use the answer to understand your man and what he doesn't like.
Men will embellish their past too. Usually they will make it sound like they were the ones doing the break-ups. Hardly ever true, though. Statistically, it is us women who break things off.
When you've heard enough about their past, simply agree to not talk about the past anymore. Make it a boundary of your relationship. (This advice about men talking about their past is more relevant to older women and older men who all have a history, but be aware of it as you go through life.)
Men get jealous easily and all on their own ... if you try to make them jealous, they know it.
If he really angers you, go to your special "zone." Work on a project ... create a vision for the future you can control ... have fun with friends ... but never, ever, let a man intrude on or shatter your self-esteem.
Don't let your giving exceed his ... it should be equal or he should give a little more than you give. This is tough because women are givers and nurturers. Follow the advice of my late husband: Always let them come to you. An easy way to do this is to simply let him say "I love you" more than you say it.
Even in a committed relationship, keep the chase alive. Men are hunters .... create a relationship in which they are always wanting you.
Be sexy ... dress sexy ... this is more important than you might think. Men want sexy women, period. Buy clothes from greatglam.com, yandy.com, forplaycatalog.com, etc. They clothes are cheap but well designed, and very sexy. Men love this.

That is the knowledge of 50 years of dealing with men (and some difficult ones) - so I hope it is useful.

TOP ISSUES AS A WIDOW

In the 2 years since my husband passed away, I have dealt with a number of issues (besides dating), from finances to changes in my former circle of friends. What I'd like to ask you is to share with all of us the top 3 issues you've dealt with and how you coped or navigated through them. For example:

Did you have tough financial issues?
How did you help your children deal with their loss?
What were the most difficult aspects of dealing with the estate - and how did you manage?
How is your physical health in the wake of your loss?
And generally, what has been the most helpful to you?

One of the issues I faced, and faced it lately, was the rejection on the part of a few friends and family of the new man in my life. In fact, one relative started a smear campaign on him, involving a few other friends. It was nasty. I don't quite understand it, but obviously, some people didn't want me to be happy - which I am!

Naturally, people are going to compared your new love to your deceased spouse. I get that! But if people are rejecting the new person you love, you need to reject them and their toxicity. This is their problem, not yours. Continue to surround yourself with loving, positive people who are genuinely happy for you. And you deserve all the happiness life has to offer! Let's share! Thank you, Maggie

Dating and Background Checks

Back in the dark ages of online dating (five years ago), you wouldn't think of doing background checks on potential suitors, but boy, have times changed. I was widowed last year (lost my beloved to prostate cancer and leukemia); this year I put myself back on the market. And I decided to join a background check service - very economical at 8 bucks a month. It paid off big time after a Friday night meet-and-greet date.

The guy - I will call him "Peter" - was affable and personal enough. Funny. Witty. Gentleman. Opens doors. Hands on the small of the back thing. Good listener. He supposedly had been in the military - special forces, or something like that. (I'm sitting there, munching on my taco, thinking, "shit, this guy has killed people.") And he claimed to have consulted on a blockbuster war movie in which his part was played by an actor. All very interesting. Okay, I liked him and told him, sure, I'd go out with him again.

The next day, I ran my background check on "Peter." (I routinely do this before or after a first date.) HOLY COW! Seven convictions for family violence! Scary stuff! Ewe! Needlesss to say, no second date would be forthcoming. I immediately texted all my close single girlfriends, advising them to join a background checking service.

The whole military story was bugging me too ... I found this guy's profile on LinkedIn and read his business profile. There's no way he could have been serving our country; he was working for a business consulting firm when he said he was in the military! And as for the movie, and being played by an actor, all untrue. I researched the movie. I could never find his name anywhere connected with it.

Okay ... yes, I put a lot of investigative energy in this, but it was a real eye opener. I had a date with a true pathological liar. If it weren't so crazy, it would be downright funny. Well, it is in a way.

The moral of the story is: be a dating detective. You don't want to get into a bad scene!

By the way, I love dating. It's fun and I've met some great guys. I'm very upbeat about online dating and all sorts of dating. I believe in having a positive attitude about the dating scene, because if you're positive, you'll get positive experiences back. Even the date with the liar was positive; I learned that you can't be too careful ... plus, I have a hilarious story to tell my girlfriends!

Has anyone out there had a similar experience? Let's share!

Until next time,
The Dating Widow