Back in the dark ages of online dating (five years ago), you wouldn't think of doing background checks on potential suitors, but boy, have times changed. I was widowed last year (lost my beloved to prostate cancer and leukemia); this year I put myself back on the market. And I decided to join a background check service - very economical at 8 bucks a month. It paid off big time after a Friday night meet-and-greet date.
The guy - I will call him "Peter" - was affable and personal enough. Funny. Witty. Gentleman. Opens doors. Hands on the small of the back thing. Good listener. He supposedly had been in the military - special forces, or something like that. (I'm sitting there, munching on my taco, thinking, "shit, this guy has killed people.") And he claimed to have consulted on a blockbuster war movie in which his part was played by an actor. All very interesting. Okay, I liked him and told him, sure, I'd go out with him again.
The next day, I ran my background check on "Peter." (I routinely do this before or after a first date.) HOLY COW! Seven convictions for family violence! Scary stuff! Ewe! Needlesss to say, no second date would be forthcoming. I immediately texted all my close single girlfriends, advising them to join a background checking service.
The whole military story was bugging me too ... I found this guy's profile on LinkedIn and read his business profile. There's no way he could have been serving our country; he was working for a business consulting firm when he said he was in the military! And as for the movie, and being played by an actor, all untrue. I researched the movie. I could never find his name anywhere connected with it.
Okay ... yes, I put a lot of investigative energy in this, but it was a real eye opener. I had a date with a true pathological liar. If it weren't so crazy, it would be downright funny. Well, it is in a way.
The moral of the story is: be a dating detective. You don't want to get into a bad scene!
By the way, I love dating. It's fun and I've met some great guys. I'm very upbeat about online dating and all sorts of dating. I believe in having a positive attitude about the dating scene, because if you're positive, you'll get positive experiences back. Even the date with the liar was positive; I learned that you can't be too careful ... plus, I have a hilarious story to tell my girlfriends!
Has anyone out there had a similar experience? Let's share!
Until next time,
The Dating Widow
I have been widowed for 5 years. My husband died of lung cancer at the age of 54. I am now 58. I became involved with a man just 3 mos. after my husband had died. This man was in the process of getting a divorce, but still at home. I fell in love with him quickly. Not sure if I was lonely after being maried 30 years, I just had to have companionship. All four of my daughters were on their own. I dated around while he was getting this divorce, after 2 years he finally got her to sign. Well, it was fine for about a year, then things started changing. He had a close friend, a woman, it was one of his best friends wife. They both swore to me they were just friends. This went on for a year. I had found evidence throughout this time that made me feel they were more than friends. Phone calls all hours of the night, test messages etc. Things out of place at his apt. Finally this past Oct. I had had enough. I found the womans husbands phone number. Not sure how he would handle this, or if he was aware, I called. I knew he had been working in Greece on and off for a year ot two. My phone call changed everything. He was totally aware of what was going on, he just couldn't catch them. We met that evening. He showed me his computer that had the phone records. These two had shared 40-60 texts a day for a year, and phone calls at all hours of the night. I was furious! We decided to set up our own little sting operation. We set them up, pretended we were going to be out of town. I told him I was going to the lake, he was going huunting. I borrowed a car and went to where we suspected they would be. Well they were there. I called her husband and we snuck into his business that night and caught them red handed, or should I say in the act. As hard as it was to see this, it was what I needed to break away. I had triend so many times before and just couldn't stay away from him. I had tried endlessly to catch him. Her husband being in Greece was at his wits end. After exposing them, we headed out for a night on the town. Celebrating till 3am. Even sent both of them a picture text that had us with our arms around each other and a drink. The title was Mission Accomplished! He filed for divorce, I of course broke up with the cheater. Her husband and I are now best friends. We have so much in common. Who knows where that will go, but it has been great! He said I saved his life!
ReplyDeleteThanks, for this update, as a newbie, I can use all the help I can find.
ReplyDeletesrm541
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ReplyDeleteI am a new widow. My husband passed on 12/27/11. Everyday feels so strange without him here. How do you get some type of normal life back?
ReplyDeleteYou are forever changed....May you find strength through your faith and loved ones here....i am here if you need an ear....snitaki@gmail.com
DeleteYour days and years will feel strange for a long time. The loss softens over time. It's been twelve years this month since my 54 year old husband died, I still think of him every day. My "normal" life evolved over time. I reconnected with my faith, spent time alone trying to figure out who I was without my husband, and established new friendships--some of my old friendships didn't survive my grief process. Each person's process is unique to their relationship. Don't hesitate to seek out counseling or other support, it can help. Take your time, be self-caring and know others care. My grief journey inspired me to write a book, Twenty-Eight Snow Angels: A Widow's Story of Love, Loss and Renewal. Other widows have found it helpful and inspiring. If you want more information, go to my website: http://outskirtspress.com/snowangels My thoughts are with you.
DeleteApril brings up the most important question and we all ask it of our widowhood. How do you get a normal life back? Doing so will be different for each of us. I will share how I did it ... but first let me say, that your life is forever changed when a spouse or romantic partner passes on. No pain can quite compare ... a break-up or divorce is painful, but a death is more painful. You do not stop loving that person. You will always have his footprints on your heart and your love goes with him.
ReplyDeleteThat said, you do need to move on in your life. What I did was spend time with family and friends ... a lot of time. I talked about the death and I talked about my grief to them. This helped me move on.
I had to handle my husband's estate matters; this was tough, but it helped me move on. I am the type of person who does not like to have but a few reminders of him around, so I donated most of his belongings and kept what was meaningful to me. These actions were symbolic in terms of moving things out, to move new things in.
After three months, I started feeling whole again, but not ready to date. I worked on myself ... mainly some external self-care things that I had neglected while caring for him. I dieted more healthfully... I resumed my exercise program more consistently ... on the anniversary of our wedding, I had my breasts augmented. I strongly recommend a renewed program of self-care ... you are emerging from a cocoon of grief and you will emerge as a beautiful butterfly if you devote your life to self care.
Eight months after my husband's death, I decided to date again. On July 4th, I put my profile up on several dating sites. Despite the hilarious experiences I had (I wrote of one in the first blog), I had a blast going out. I met some great men. I tell women to stay positive about online dating. Use your first few dates as a time to practice your dating skills. Don't pursue men online, let them pursue you. If you go out with a lemon, make lemonade from the date ... be happy that you got out, someone spent money on you and know that the purpose of a date - the sole purpose - is to have fun. The more men you date, the more positive energy you have swirling around you - energy that makes you even more attractive to men. The very best book you can read at this time in your dating life is THE SURRENDERED SINGLE. Follow the author's advice and you can't go wrong.
That is what I did ... then a miracle happened: On October 10th, I met a fabulous man and we fell in love, and are in a beautiful, committed relationship. This can happen to you ...
Moving on means: bonding with friends and family ... attending to self-care ... staying busy with projects and causes you care about ... undergoing grief counseling if necessary ... putting yourself on the dating market with positive intention, a fun attitude, and the anticipation of a new love.
I wish for all of you the best and I would love to hear from anyone who has other advice about getting a normal life back. Trust me, life can be beautiful again, and filled with love that perhaps you never knew existed. My best to you, Maggie
i AM ALSO A NEW WIDOW, MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY ON 2/1/12. HE WAS SICK FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS AND THEN WAS SITTING UP IN HIS HOSPITAL BED TALKING TO HIS NURSE ON MONDAY AND WAS DEAD WEDNESDAY MORNING, 9 DAYS BEFORE HIS 55TH BIRTHDAY, WHICH IS TODAY AND ITS A REALLY HARD DAY.. HE WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND MY LIFELINE, BESTFRIEND, COMPANION, ETC. AND I REALLY FEEL, LIKE A SHIP LOST AT SEA..
ReplyDeleteGod bless you...my faith in Christ helps me gwt through personally....and i have been widowed 6years now....i am 39. Not dating at all....still i keep my mind focusses on raising our son.....and keeping my eyes focussed on Christ....its the only thing that comforts me.....other than my son......thanks for this blog....sometimes just being able to mention to someone and know others suffered a similar loss is comforting too.....but i know God is a defender and protector of the fatherless and the widow.....his charge is firm concerning us.....this keeps me going!...Stay blessed ladies....
ReplyDeleteYour..story..is..simular..to..mine...I..was..28..when..I..became..a..widow...I..had..the..same..idea..as.you..raise..my..2..children..an..focus..on..God..as..our..protector..an..head..of.our..home.
DeleteI..was..a.widow..for..14..years..until..my..children..were..grown..Then..a..man..that..had..been..very..close..to..my..son.(my..son..worked..for..him)had..recently..devorced..We..began.dating..for..a.few..months..an..got..married.
Long..story..short..we..have..been..married..7years.,now..It's..been..a..rollercoaster..ride..all.the..way...good..an..bad..which..all..marriage..have(it..teaches..you..to..persavere(spelling)My..hardest..problem..to..over..come..has..been..the..difference..in..being..a..widow...an..someone..that..has..been..devorced!!!The..paths..you..journey..on..are..so..different..when..the..marriage..ends(one..being..a..widow..an..the..other..being..devorced)"There's..always..something..there..a..devorcee..doesn't..understand"
Yes, thank you for reminding us of the biblical truth that God is a defender of widows. We must all remember this, in the good times and bad.
DeleteGod bless you...my faith in Christ helps me gwt through personally....and i have been widowed 6years now....i am 39. Not dating at all....still i keep my mind focusses on raising our son.....and keeping my eyes focussed on Christ....its the only thing that comforts me.....other than my son......thanks for this blog....sometimes just being able to mention to someone and know others suffered a similar loss is comforting too.....but i know God is a defender and protector of the fatherless and the widow.....his charge is firm concerning us.....this keeps me going!...Stay blessed ladies....
ReplyDeleteThank you for reminding us that God is a defender of widows. That is absolutely true and we must all remember this, in the good times and bad.
DeleteWell, I'm just a fellow ... looking for a widow! So, using the keyword 'widow' I stumbled onto this blog. I just turned 65 and I'm in reasonably good health.. you can see my profile on Plentyoffish.com where I am NewSpirit. It is a free dating site, the largest in the world. It was always free and now the owner is trying to sell more upgraded memberships with more features but it isn't necessary to buy into it at all. It's a pretty good website as dating sites go. I'm just looking for a chaste woman. This is so rare these days and I get beat up by women all the time because I am resolute on finding a woman who isn't connected (because of her sexual history) to some other living man. In our day and age 98 percent of widows who are 65 and under are not widowed from the first man that they were ever with but rather from some 2nd or 3rd husband while that first man is still alive. Those are some very amazing statistics... seems God is killing off those 2nd and 3rd husbands. I know... I know.. this sounds outrageous but I'm suggesting that it is True. With the sexual revolution women just haven't been taught to value their virtue, their chastity ... not in the West anyway. In Islamic cultures marrying a virgin is an absolute must! I've learned this great lesson from God.. that every young woman becomes connected to the first man she is with (sexually). This connection isn't about love or marriage, or emotions, nor is it even about consent. Christ taught about it that a man and a woman become 'one flesh' and that man cannot put asunder that connection and any man who touches a woman who is one flesh with some other living man adulterates the Image of God by being with her. I think that all of you ladies know that this is True but you don't want to hear the Truth! I'm a virtuous man... I won't touch a woman who is connected to any other living man... Can I find a chaste woman who has all her life valued her chastity? Take care and may God bless you all... CC
ReplyDeleteHi CC, I appreciate your candid expression. I do not think you are going to find a virgin, however. We all have a past, but when we meet a new true love, the past must be left in the past. Meeting your next love might even be the greatest love of your life; this is what happened to me. And by the way, as you date, don't talk about any of your exes. This makes the person you're with at the time feel less special. Men do love to talk about their past; this is part of their DNA.
DeleteWomen, if you find yourself with a man who likes to talk about past loves, simply say: "I appreciate that you have a past and are honest about it. But let's leave the past in the past. If I want to know something about your past, I'll ask you."
Allow me to introduce myself - my name is Karla, and I am a Casting Associate with the production company Magical Elves in Los Angeles. We are currently casting a new documentary style relationship series for CBS, and while researching, I stumbled upon your blog.
ReplyDeleteOur show is entitled "Three" and it is a series that chronicles three different woman as they search for love. I assure you I would not be reaching out if I thought this show would in any way trivialize or exploit anyone's situation, but rather, we are interested in featuring the journey of a widow in the hopes of inspiring women who also find themselves in a similar position. I have had the pleasure of seeing the first season of the original show (from Israel) and I can say with much confidence that this show is unlike anything a US audience has seen. It does not follow the conventions we areused to seeing in a "reality" show. I understand that this is presumptuous, and I assure you I mean no disrespect, but I did want to reach out to inquire if you may be interested in learning more about the show and passing along our casting notice to your readers.
Details can be found at www.cbsdatingshow.com. I would love the opportunity to tell you more about the project. I can be reached at 323-460-4030 Ext. 699 or by emailing datingshowcasting3@gmail.com. If you personally know someone that you think would be great for an amazing experience as this please have the email me with their contact information, a recent photo and a short paragraph about them.
I thank you for your time.
Regards,
Karla
In response to your original post, my sister became a widow at age 38 (three years ago). Her husband died of colon cancer -- a two year illness -- which left her alone with three children aged 9, 7, and 3. She dated early and became attached to the first man she dated just two months after her husband passed. It didn't last long and ended badly. This left the door open for the jerk she dated for two years who sounds eerily like the man you described in your post. He moved into her house shortly after meeting her and conned her out of so much of her insurance money from her husband's death, it makes me sick. That in combination with the emotional abuse and manipulation he mastered, I feel like there needs to be some sort of database on men like him. I love your idea of paying for background checks initially. It may seem silly, but I wouldn't want anyone to end up like my sister. She is still dealing with this a-hole right now and he has completely destroyed her self esteem.
ReplyDeleteThere are many men out there like that. It sounds like he is a narcissist. I recommend a book called Disarming the Narcissist. I offers great advice on how to communicate with people like this. I am sorry to hear that her self-esteem has been damaged. When I feel like that is happening to me, I start my focusing on the physical (dieting, exercising, new hair cut, facial etc - things that make me feel good on the outside - and this helps me on the inside. We must never give power away to anyone, when we do, we are vulnerable to losing self-esteem.
DeleteI don't know if any widow ever gets back to "normal." I think we kind of have a new normal that is just not what we are used to. I know I felt like I was going crazy and started searching for women who felt the same. I wrote "Widows Like Me" after talking to many widows, who also felt they were going crazy. Most of us figured out that what we were going through wasn't crazy but just part of the grieving process. My e-article is at Amazon.com and is only 99 cents. It was cathartic to write and some widows tell me it helped them realize they weren't alone.
ReplyDeleteGood for you! I believe writing is truly cathartic, plus you're helping all of us1
DeleteI hope your e-article is still available! I'm looking forward to reading it'
ReplyDelete